My wardrobe has changed at least 4 times. I’ve gone up about 5 sizes. (Nobody told me to expect that in recovery!) Getting dressed used to be simple, now it’s a bit of a stress. Put a shirt on- too tight, slip some pants on- visible bulges, skirt and leggings- have to pull the back part lower constantly. You get it… a pain. Now, that’s the time of day I hear ED the most: “You used to fit into everything! You never had to check how things looked in the back. You didn’t have bulges anywhere! Now? Look at you! You’ve got to take things into your hands NOW before it gets any worse!!”
Screw you Ed. I chose recovery. I choose recovery. Sure, I didn’t expect my body to keep growin and growin, but I’m finally chasing self-acceptance. Eventually, it’ll get caught.
Now, onto the shopping… Shopping has always been one of my favorite things to do. Bargains, cute stuff, new clothes, choices, etc. About a week ago, my sister gave me some money to go shopping. She’s been seeing every ounce of this journey & has helped me go clothes through clothes. So, I go shopping today!
And… The sizes that I considered huge were now the right fit! (I won’t go into numbers). What scared me more? I’ll be totally honest here since we all have bodies. Well, actually I’m honest all the time. I got freaked to see myself in the full body mirror. Most of the time I try not thinking about my body, despite feeling the changes. Well here I am.. faced with the fitting room mirror. I got freaked the most about seeing my sides. I saw lines on them (the way you see on your stomach after it’s been folded lol)! That’s when Ed’s voice started playing through my mind.
Right there and then, I panic just a little & called my sister. She told me to pick what fits best and just go. I did. The next hour I tried really hard to hold my tears back. It’s so scary! Recovery IS scary. But, it is also right. That’s what makes this battle hard. “Anna” doesn’t want recovery. “Anna” wants to mold her body into what SHE wants it to be. BUT God doesn’t want that. Trying to control something He gave me, isn’t right. This battle is hard because I’m not just fighting ED. I’m fighting full surrender. Full acceptance of self. Not changing anything anymore, just being who He created me to be.
I know it makes me REALLY sad when someone tries to change themselves. Especially if they beat themselves up if they “slip up.” I can’t live with a double standard. I know I can’t do that to myself and preach love to the world. I hate two-faced crap. Maybe I’m starting to love myself, just a tad, because what I want more than anything- is to find self-love and to help others find it too. I want people to love themselves. But this starts with me, I’ll love me too.