Dear Ed,

Dear

It’s you who always tells me I’ve gone wrong. That weight gain is MY fault, but it’s YOURS. You’ve made me cry more tears in one year than I could have imagined. You always tell me I might as well die. You say there is no more hope for me now.

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My momma always said God collects every tear, and your reward will be that much more if you’ve shed a lot of tears.

 

You sneaked into my life, introduced yourself through other people’s praises.We became friends. You were my comfort. My life was your prize. You commanded my loyalty and my precious time. My relationship with you was above every other kind. Except for my relationship with God, so I tried.

I tried to forget you, ignore you, deny you. Several years flew by and I still wasn’t dedicated or good enough for you. You whispered to me I had more self-control than others, but I need more. You gave me a bigger “feeling” of value than anyone else in my life. But it was all based on lies.

That’s why when I told you to back off- I realized I’d never known self-love. You seem harmless on the outside, tempting to all folks. Tantalizing, like the fruit off of a Forbidden Tree. But in the light- You offer fake worth.

Because when someone leaves you, they’re only faced with themselves, as am I. Feels like I cannot live without you, yet I can’t live with you either. You want me to die. I’ll do what it takes to move on now. I won’t take you back, might as well pack your last ugly bag. I won’t back down without a fight. Even if it seems the fight kills me, it’s better to fight than not ever to try.d

Recovery is awful and it’s all your fault. You seemed rewarding at first, but you left everything worse, a path of destruction you are. Now you shout at me that I’ve failed. I’m gaining more weight than before, you say it’s because I left you. You’ve ripped me off, the false confidence is destroyed. But I’m alive still, and still breathing. I won’t take you back even when I breathe my last. But I’m still alive. And as long as I live, I’ll live without you- Forever goodbye. aae8ad5cf5e603814b7b6beb2b8f4361_e47cd23c0a3590c7eac853d02c10e9df_grande

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(I’ve often read people write letters/poems saying bye to addictions, ed’s, etc. Never thought I’d want to write one of my own, but it’s somehow come out. Perhaps, there is some healing power to it.)

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4 thoughts on “Dear Ed,

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