Ed Attack.

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I wake up feeling rested. My sleeping has improved quite a bit. I have my cup of Joe, but don’t feel like eating yet. I start getting ready, brushing my hair. I “body-check” my back. Ed screams, “Back rolls! You’ve got back rolls, you’ve NEVER had back rolls!” I panic. I lose it just a tad. I rush upstairs to my sister and declare- Give me my scale back, I chose to give it to you, now I choose to get it back. She calmly responds with- no. I look in the storage room, nope, it’s not here. I was sure it was here! I tell my sister- Fine! If you don’t give it back to me I’ll just go buy a new one & it’ll be a waste of $.

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MM wasn’t afraid.

We’re driving to my mom’s house. Lots of food. Big family social. First thing first- I ascend up to my mom’s bathroom. Undress and step on the white, square, guessing game. Last time I’d seen my weight, it was 10lbs higher than my lowest. Today- I see 33lbs more than my lowest. It doesn’t bother me as much as I expected it would- I figure with how I look it matches. Perhaps, a little part of me is shocked though, to see #s there that I haven’t seen in nearly 4 yrs.

Downstairs I go. Plop on the couch. Don’t want to talk. So many thoughts are running through my mind. I didn’t have breakfast. I don’t have lunch. When I can’t take it being around everyone anymore, I go sit by myself on the steps. My momma comes over. It’s typically hard for me to connect with her, but today she is just hugging me. I start to cry. She is trying to reassure me. She tells me I’m beautiful. She tells me to stay.

I go home with my sister, my faithful supporter. I cry in the car for about another hour while she and her husband talk to me. My eyes hurt even now, as I’m writing, after that meltdown. After much encouragement and logical explanations I sit down to eat. 12688303_970316986339399_2810920915869151775_nI decide to call this an “ED Attack.” So overwhelming, semi-life threatening, pretty horrible and coming out of nowhere. So what motivates me to keep going?

To be a recovery success story. To accept myself and teach others to do the same. To talk about the white elephant in nearly every person’s life- Lack of Acceptance. I like to be bold. I like to be courageous. I like to call things out as they are. Recovery is hard, but I’m never going through this process again. Day by day, I’ll choose to fight on.

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Saw this poem a few days ago, kinda striking- by Lily Ramsay
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4 thoughts on “Ed Attack.

  1. Your strength amazes me and inspires me on many levels. I struggle with eating and not eating and I can have this but not that. I obsess about food and carbs and stand on the scale up to 10 times a day. When I have a body image day I think of your struggle and strength!! I love that you have learned to love you and that not being defined by a number on the scale. Keep it up, keep writing and keep inspiring!!

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    1. Thank you for reading! I’m driven by the chance to help others out to be honest so if my story helps that’s wonderful. The reality & struggles of an ED or ED patterns are really hard to deal with, but I believe in “freedom”. . I’m sorry it’s hard for you as well, I’ve semi-tried recovery twice and for me baby steps have been the way. So, perhaps tomorrow you can weigh yourself 9 x instead of 10 ? 😉 Either way, you’re brave to share, don’t give up now ❤ ❤ ❤

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