My entire life I’ve been Christian. Even more so, I was a Christian who grew up in an overwhelmingly religious environment. The rules were: No saying “Oh my God” No secular music or Christian music that belonged to the rock or rap genre No hair dying, nail coloring, or makeup wearing No having short hair No… Read More The ONE time I got mad at God
(Technically I still have 2 days left. But since Tuesday’s are #TransformationTuesday’s, I’m sharing this today.) One year ago, I made the conscious decision to expose a secret I was smothered by for nearly 4 years: Anorexia. Since then my life has radically changed. I cannot even explain how hard the journey of recovery has been-… Read More 1 YEAR ED-IVERSARY!
Last summer I told myself, “I shall try recovery. I don’t think it will be worth it, but I’ll take a risk. If it won’t be worth it, I’ll just go back to Ana. If it will- I’ll let others know recovery is worth it.” So now that’s my job. Lately I haven’t been writing much.… Read More Yes, it will be worth it.
Option A: Fully let go of all control, restrictions, and forbidden foods. Allow your body to rest as long as it needs. Option B: Baby steps. Long, constant, grueling baby steps. Instead of skipping dinner you eat a bowl of broccoli. A few months later, instead of eating egg whites you eat the egg with… Read More 2 Types of Recovery.
It’s weird when you just blend in. You’ve been standing out (or in your mind you have) for so long, it gave you validation. Then, you look around and see you’re no different really. At that point, you can do 1 of 2 things: A. Get back to that place that made you stand out… Read More Just like er’ryone else.
Ed is a life-sucker. Ana wants your loyalty above every relationship. Like an addiction, you find yourself making excuses, befriending denial, and even treating the ones you love most like a B when it comes to your food and your rituals. After a month of half-crapping The Recovery Life, I decided yesterday that I would invite… Read More golden nuggets.
It’s you who always tells me I’ve gone wrong. That weight gain is MY fault, but it’s YOURS. You’ve made me cry more tears in one year than I could have imagined. You always tell me I might as well die. You say there is no more hope for me now. You sneaked into my life, introduced yourself through… Read More Dear Ed,
My wardrobe has changed at least 4 times. I’ve gone up about 5 sizes. (Nobody told me to expect that in recovery!) Getting dressed used to be simple, now it’s a bit of a stress. Put a shirt on- too tight, slip some pants on- visible bulges, skirt and leggings- have to pull the back part… Read More The Shopping Challenge
I wake up feeling rested. My sleeping has improved quite a bit. I have my cup of Joe, but don’t feel like eating yet. I start getting ready, brushing my hair. I “body-check” my back. Ed screams, “Back rolls! You’ve got back rolls, you’ve NEVER had back rolls!” I panic. I lose it just a… Read More Ed Attack.
I’m a feeler. If you don’t care for feelings, that’s fine. Quite frankly, I can’t stop feeling. I feel it all. Somehow, them feelings also lead me to be discerning and passionate and wise. Eating Disorder Recovery: My #1 Definition: Feels like you’re walking blindly to a destination you’re only hoping exists. Faith is your… Read More What Recovery “Feels” Like