2015 ED exposed (TW)

I didn’t see how I looked from behind.

I woke up early this morning, Dec 31st, the last day of 2015. Yesterday I thought I wouldn’t have time to write the post I promised to, but hey here I am, wide awake to tell you a story. In previous posts I’ve talked about insecurities and different factors that contributed to my eating disorder. Today, I want to share the ugly depths of my worst moments with ED. Why? To un-glamorize the value of being skinny over everything else, and perhaps to sway one mind who considers the friendship of Ana (anorexia). I was in so much denial over the last few years, I didn’t see- or maybe fully comprehend, the things I was doing. I carried so much shame for my odd behaviors that I only admitted them a few months into recovery. At the lowest of points, I:

• Threw away SO much food. Whenever I had to eat around people, which was often as I was in full-time ministry, my anxiety was through the roof because as everyone calmly ate, I wondered, “How can I get rid of what’s on my plate without everyone noticing?” 
• During the day, if I drastically restricted (which was 80% of the time) or fasted. I would eat food mostly during times that others slept or weren’t around. This made me feel so ashamed, sooo ashamed. I was paranoid that someone would catch me- eating when no one was around. As if there is something so wrong about eating. I didn’t binge. Instead I would get tiny portions of calorific foods, but I still felt so embarassed.
• I enjoyed nothing more than to cook for others. What’s low about that? I didn’t realize that I enjoyed it so much simply because I was starving. It brought a twisted joy to see others eat? And while I was “fattening” others up, I could get thinner and thinner. It was the perfect distraction with excuses like, “You know, I just cooked this and had to smell it and taste it that’s why I’m not hungry at all.” What a lie.
• If I ate something late in the day and felt guilty, I would put on running shoes and run for more than an hour to perhaps “fix” my mistake.
• If I lost “control” and ate too much (by my standards), out came the laxatives. Sorry about the details, but that’s the absolute truth.
• I body checked myself EVERY time I was by a mirror, grabbed the areas I had any fat and thought, “I’ve still got THIS to get rid of.” When others were concerned that I was too thin, I figured they don’t see what I see and are wrong.
• I ate NO SALT and watched out for sodium. After all my creepy research, I realized our bodies hold water when we eat salt. So, I cut it all out. Well today, as my body gets heavier and heavier, I’m more than sure it’s trying to figure out how the heck it’s supposed to balance water.
• Lost my period.
• Began losing hair.
• Wore sweaters in the summer.
• Had grossly dry skin.
• Drank 2 cups of water or less a day, even if I was thirsty, because I feared any retention.
• Stopped sweating.
• Wouldn’t stop moving around. Anything to burn calories. Even if I had to hide it behind good works- cleaning, cooking for others, etc.
• Developed a temporary lactose intolerance and still cannot properly digest many foods- 6 months into recovery.
• Received less attention from guys than ever before, not that their attention was ever my aim. Sure, I “felt” confident, but somehow I was less attractive?
• Bruised for no reason & had to sleep with a pillow between my legs to keep my knees apart.
• Had to slowly lower myself in the bath to not hurt my rather sharp bones.
• Had to be cautious when I put my back against anything.
• This one still makes me feel ashamed- but all the more reason to say it. Whenever I was sick, even had malaria (7x in 1 year) during my stay in Africa, I listened to ED. When others were getting better, I was getting sicker and weaker. When the doctors told me I needed to eat, I tried not to. I tried “taking advantage of my appetite loss.” This = straight up choosing death over giving up ED. I listened to ED even when I had malaria. That’s rather twisted.
• My best days were when I hit from 200-400 calories a day. I was happier then, more than when something good actually was happening in my life.
• I judged everyone- spoke so negatively in my mind about anyone even in the “healthy” range. Perhaps, to make sure I kept the weight loss up.
• After 2 years of severe restrictions, I began waking up at night. I couldn’t fall back asleep if I didn’t at least snack. So… one of the worst cycles began: Restriction in the day, night snacking, guilt in the morning = back to restricting. This was so embarrassing. I began believing that ” I can’t be normal. Something’s wrong with me.”
• I developed HIGH anxiety. I am a complete people-person, but with ED whenever someone did see me eating, I would seriously flinch- as if I was caught doing something wrong.
• I watched videos and researched anything I could about weight loss, gain, and eating disorders. I was fascinated with it all yet, still didn’t believe I had a problem.
• I would watch shows about Chunky Folks transformations or their eating habits, to brainwash my mind with: They’re unhealthy. I will do anything I can to not be that way. 
• I thought EVERYONE was trying to make me fat like them. Even if they were a healthy size and were concerned about me, I secretly “knew” they were trying to make me fat.
• I lost energy for time with loved ones.
• Everyone I knew, said that I had a peanut butter addiction. I kind of did, but only because it was so high in fat. Eating a lot of it, I would say- “I’m not trying to lose weight. If I was, I wouldn’t be eating PB since it’s so fat & high cal.” In reality, when they weren’t watching, or so I thought, I would find a way to throw away the bread my PB was on. Even if it meant chewing it and spitting it out when they weren’t watching. Horrible, right? In fact, I did that other times I was forced to eat too.
• I always “helped” people lose weight. My vision was blurred. Not to say that they didn’t have weight to lose, perhaps they had a little, but in my eyes a little was a lot.
• When I fasted for religious reasons, in the back of my mind I had, “Cool, this is an opportunity to keep myself slim.” … As if God needs that, he wanted me to eat merrily instead.
• When I used drugs, smoke, or drank in my life- back in the day, I always wanted to take advantage of the appetite loss and that desire fed those addictions.
• I thought I was making my parents proud.
• I lied. All the time. 

This list IS rather long, I’ve listed all that came to mind, just now, although there still is more. You might think I’m horrible, or maybe you’re proud of how far I’ve come. Let me just say, I didn’t lie on purpose, even if it was to you. I lied to myself first, years ago when I didn’t see what Christ did in me. I first believed lies as a child when my siblings teased me and lied to me saying I was fat and ugly and stupid. I forgave them, but I didn’t realize that my mind still needed redemption. Six months ago I had to trust the person I love most, my sister Alesya, to believe I have a problem. It took me two weeks after my doctor diagnosed me, to believe I had a problem. I had to trust my sister more than my own mind. It was scary. I didn’t want to “betray” myself, but I’m glad I did, because that wasn’t me at all. So all the time I lied these years, or did the types of behaviors listed above, I was in denial that I had an eating disorder.

Now that ED is outside of me, I want to create awareness about eating disorders. I want to expose those demons and encourage, inspire, or influence everyone I can. Thank you for reading my blogs this year. God has done a lot in my life. I’ve only really been blogging less than half a year and already had 3-4,000 views. That means so much to me. I never imagined I could “minister” worldwide from simply my own bedroom. I never imagined that my most vulnerable spot could be used for God’s glory. That which was meant to destroy me, I will put to shame. As this year comes to an end, I encourage you to live a life inspired, truthful, and free. Till next year my friends!!

The Lord is my Healer. Gosh, he truly is.

First year I thought I was looking good in a swim suit.

The need to cut off my formerly nice hair.

I didn’t think I was thin.

With my “little” sister.

Winter 2014

Knew my arms were veinier than they should be.

My 23rd birthday- all I remember was feeling fat.

Yet, I liked how I looked.

Pre Recovery.

Thought I was getting prettier!

Back from Africa

After I “began recovery” I considered this a meal.

Starting to like how I looked.

When a little part of my mind started to tell me something was wrong.

Feeling fat on my birthday.

Love this quote.

First day of work 2015.

Pre Recovery me.