“You’re too sensitive,” I’ve heard it said. “Don’t take it personal, give it to God, you’re too serious,”the voices chimed. And I agreed with them for so long… I thought they were right. I figured the Normal Folk spoke truth to me and something was wrong: with me.
As if. As if God makes mistakes in his design. Our choices are our responsibility, but who we are by nature and our personality is not our choice. It’s his. I’ve put off writing this post because it scares me a little to say what I will. I’m not thinking of anyone specifically nor of a specific moment with what I am about to say. It’s something God opened to me. Ready? Here goes.
… The reason Normal Folks have a hard time with those who are sensitive, is because they are faced openly with where they go wrong. Let me explain: I have a younger sister who can burst into tears literally any moment- any moment where someone else takes out their frustration on her. You can use the tiniest look, tone of voice, or a word to have her break down. Now, if the voices I’ve heard plenty in my life tell her that she needs to change and “become tough, or something she is not,” they are trying to deny that they were the ones wrong. I am wrong when I take an ounce of frustration out on someone else. I am wrong when after I’ve spoken A Sensitive ONE is hurt. People DO NOT EVER get upset for no reason nor for reasons of love, joy, and peace. Sensitive people are a gift, because in them we see a mirror to who WE truly are.
If you, like me, have been told you’re “too sensitive” or even hyper-spiritual phrases like “Give it to God, if you do, you wouldn’t cry, etc.” Please know, and let me be a different voice in your life- You are not the problem. Your sensitivity is a gift. You use that gift to discern. You can be so in tune with the spiritual realm and have an upperhand, if only you knew. It is hard to be sensitive, I know. I cry easily. When I’m hurt- I’m REALLY hurt. I pick up on every tone, word, or even volume. I always remember the details others forget. I used to be sure that something was wrong with ME, perhaps I’m evil to notice so much wrong? Perhaps I look for the worst in others? Those are lies. As I’m opened to new truths, I learn that God didn’t make mistakes when he makes some sensitive and some not. In fact, He doesn’t make mistakes at all.
The next time someone will say to me that I need to change who I am (in the aspect of sensitivity) when I am hurt, I will try to graciously keep in mind that perhaps the “S” quality that bothers them so much-only does so, because they are faced with their wrong. And we don’t like to be wrong, I guess.
This was a revelation actually. Something spoken straight into my heart.
On a light level, here’s a short life update: Christmas went great. I wasn’t blogging much because I just wanted to focus on enjoying the time and not over stressing with food. I’m off the Zoloft I was taking, yes! I hated being on it, to be honest, but am still thankful for whatever it possibly helped with this past half year. I am still on one medication, new for me, but don’t hate it like I did Zoloft. I’ve gained just over 5 lbs in the last month. It’s crazy and scary to me because I feel very different. My clothes need to be changed AGAIN and let me be frank: From size 1, I’ve gone to size 6. I don’t know how much I weigh, I don’t want to know, I want to LIVE. Live life for more than a body obsession. I’m choosing to trust the process and aim for balance in the end. I never want to go through recovery again, that’s why going backwards is not as appealing as before. I’ll be posting once more before this year ends. It will be a detailed post about my journey. Wait for it.. wait for it.