The little crash.

Why the picture of potatoes? These are the first potatoes I’ve bought (for myself to eat of course) in years. Don’t quite know how i’ll prepare them yet, but I do know they’re a #recoverywin!

I call my sister. “How’s your day?” she asks. She always knows there’s a reason I call, especially if it’s during my time at work. “It was good, until like the last two hours,” I reply. She asks why. “I just feel bad. I feel bad about eating,” I say.

It was just yesterday that she gave me a little speech of what to expect as I wean off my antidepressants. Last night, she told me I have to use logic to override what I feel. We both walked down Eating Disorder Memory Lane, and talked about all of my former “psychotic episodes.” (Which were not so much mental illness related, as emotional/irrational responses to starvation. Similar to the common folks’ hangry effects.) Over the years of my game with Ana, one of the things I developed was a Vitamin B-12 deficiency. It’s crazy to think of the symptoms undernourishment can cause! Out of the symptoms below I definitely was experiencing at least six! Just yesterday, the emotional breakdowns seemed like they were so long ago.

Well, I’m not quite breaking down & tears aren’t rolling down my healthy face today, but I sure am recognizing that feeling of blackness. Feeling guilty for eating. Feeling guilty for not being thin. As if thin is ever thin enough anyway… In a moment like this I just remember how much writing helps. One of the most courageous things I’ve ever done was write a blog post last July or August admitting to having the wretched eating disorder. So here I am, back at it, sharing a little bit of my day.

Dear logical part of my mind, do override the emotional. I’ve written a post before called Feeling vs. Eating, this is where it’s time for me to go back and read what I wrote.

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between feelings and what’s real. Logically though, a feeling is JUST a feeling. That’s all it is, just that. A thought is just a thought.

Reality is something different.

With , recoveredandfree.


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