I call my sister. “How’s your day?” she asks. She always knows there’s a reason I call, especially if it’s during my time at work. “It was good, until like the last two hours,” I reply. She asks why. “I just feel bad. I feel bad about eating,” I say.
It was just yesterday that she gave me a little speech of what to expect as I wean off my antidepressants. Last night, she told me I have to use logic to override what I feel. We both walked down Eating Disorder Memory Lane, and talked about all of my former “psychotic episodes.” (Which were not so much mental illness related, as emotional/irrational responses to starvation. Similar to the common folks’ hangry effects.) Over the years of my game with Ana, one of the things I developed was a Vitamin B-12 deficiency. It’s crazy to think of the symptoms undernourishment can cause! Out of the symptoms below I definitely was experiencing at least six! Just yesterday, the emotional breakdowns seemed like they were so long ago.
Well, I’m not quite breaking down & tears aren’t rolling down my healthy face today, but I sure am recognizing that feeling of blackness. Feeling guilty for eating. Feeling guilty for not being thin. As if thin is ever thin enough anyway… In a moment like this I just remember how much writing helps. One of the most courageous things I’ve ever done was write a blog post last July or August admitting to having the wretched eating disorder. So here I am, back at it, sharing a little bit of my day.
Dear logical part of my mind, do override the emotional. I’ve written a post before called Feeling vs. Eating, this is where it’s time for me to go back and read what I wrote. https://recoveredandfree.wordpress.com/2016/01/03/feeling-vs-eating/
Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between feelings and what’s real. Logically though, a feeling is JUST a feeling. That’s all it is, just that. A thought is just a thought.
Reality is something different.
With ❤, recoveredandfree.