Today’s lie: “I didn’t feel fat back then.”
[I’ll be starting a new series of blog posts about certain lies ED likes for us to believe. In a sense, it will be like “Mythbusters!”]
In recovery, or after, maybe even if you’ve never had an ED but were thinner before-it’s easy to think (especially after looking at an old photo), “I look so much better there! I didn’t feel fat like this back then!” If you don’t stop to really think about that thought, you really will feel worse with where you’re at now.
In reality, “back then” you still held your arms in front of your stomach. You sucked in as the photo was being taken. You placed your arm away from your body- on your hip, as you heard, “Say, cheese!” You might have even wondered why “cheese” was the popular saying. Maybe you considered all the calories and fat grams in one serving of that forbidden food as everyone else was simply enjoying the moment.
“Back then,” you were still checking your body in the mirror, trying to wear clothes that would make you look thinner. On your worst days, you chose to wear black.
Somewhere, logically, you understood you were not chunky. But ED told you otherwise. “Not good enough,” he said. “Perfection! That’s what you need.” Considering those are his demands, “back then” you were not good enough. Not thin enough by the standards of Ana.
Looking at old photos where you were thinner can be very triggering. But in those moments, pause long enough to remember what you were thinking about in the photo. Notice the long sleeves you’re wearing in the summer and notice the dark circles under your eyes.
You weren’t happy “back then.” You weren’t living back then. You were chasing even then. “Back then” was back then. It’s over. It’s time to live again.