Ed is a life-sucker. Ana wants your loyalty above every relationship. Like an addiction, you find yourself making excuses, befriending denial, and even treating the ones you love most like a B when it comes to your food and your rituals.
After a month of half-crapping The Recovery Life, I decided yesterday that I would invite Ana back into my life. Let me tell you- Literally, as soon as I set my heart on that, I felt loneliness wash over me. Hello, Mr.Lonely. I went through my day, trying to ignore the feeling. This morning I woke up feeling the same- It’s me against the world. I got up, studied, and came upstairs. I had to take two exams today & I noticed my sister watching to make sure I ate before I left home. I put egg on bread, took little bites, and foolishly thought she wouldn’t see me throw it away. She did. She asked me to eat it, but I flatly said no.
I went to school, took my tests, and drove home. The entire time thinking- Man, I feel so lonely! What can I do to not feel this way? Oh! I know! I can go running! Or perhaps I can find some other way to deal with the hurt. I got home at 3, still haven’t eaten. As I stood over the stove cooking my measly lentils, SHE (my closest friend & favorite sister) came over to talk. She doesn’t like white elephants in our house I guess.
I understand I still need help, literal & physical help. I can’t handle controlling my meals and not being held accountable, not yet- just like an addict I return to old habits. For a month I’ve been rationalizing skipping meals and this thing gains momentum and before I know it I’m throwing food away and snapping at my sister. I’ve been justifying not eating by thinking- It’s fine, obviously I don’t have a problem anymore. (As I look down at my distressing body). I’m too busy right now. I’ll eat after this. There were too many people there. I don’t eat THAT. The excuses are never ending. So… I leaked the info to her. I told her I need more help. It sucks. It does, but at least I know it’s what’s right. I feel like a fool before God if I act normal to everyone, but in my ❤ know I ain’t foolin’ Him. I find Him irresistible.
The sun is starting to shine and I’m nervous. I’m uncomfortable. I’m stressed out. I think thoughts of being “thin” last summer. I remember my runs. And for a minute I think I miss it all. But then I remember the last 4 years of my life and I’m aware that oh my gosh, this stuff has been ruling my life! I don’t always know how to keep keepin’ on. I try to remember the positive’s: I can sleep several nights in a row without waking up, I have had my 4th period, I have not been so cold. I weight the cons & pros and at the very end of this process I’ll clearly know if it was worth it all.
Until then, here are the golden nuggets from my therapy sessions. (You get them without the tax of my tears):
- All you can do is your best.
- “Everyone is on a journey.” Nobody is perfect. Each person has insecurities and struggles, you’re not the only imperfect one.
- If you were in a therapist’s shoes, and you were trying to help you- the client- What would you say to them?
[With that one I replied to my therapist- “I would tell me that life is about so much more! I would ask me what are my passions and what do I want to experience in my life? Life is short and I would tell me to enjoy it.”]
4. Take it one day at a time. The future (in my case summer) can be overwhelming.
5. Recovery is your choice. You can make life what you want it to be. You get to choose what happens in your life. You can make your life rock.
6. You are not 10, 14, 16, or whenever ED/Ana wondered into your life. You are a different you now. You are where you are, the age you are. Every phase of life is different and you can’t expect to be exactly what you were like when you were 12.
7. Now, what would be one of your golden nuggets? ____________________