What Recovery “Feels” Like

I’m a feeler. If you don’t care for feelings, that’s fine. Quite frankly, I can’t stop feeling. I feel it all. Somehow, them feelings also lead me to be discerning and passionate and wise.

Eating Disorder Recovery:

My #1 Definition: Feels like you’re walking blindly to a destination you’re only hoping exists. Faith is your fuel and sometimes you run on nearly empty. Sometimes you run out of fuel and you stop. That’s when someone who cares for you finds you & refills your tank.

You keep going. Mile after mile.

Matthew West has a song that says: “You must think I’m strong, to give me what I’m going through.” That stuck out to me, but Dear God. I don’t feel strong at all. & It’s hard to believe I’m to be an example to others who are sick. I have no idea how He believes in me. I have no idea how I will be an example of a self-loving woman when I’m surrounded by women everywhere who have spent their whole lives not liking themselves. God’s pushing me gently to love myself. I’ve never known what that felt like.

Recovery reminds me of being a kid again (a picked-on sad one). It reminds me of the little bookworm who preferred learning over sports and games. It reminds me of countless put-downs. It reminds me of constant comparison and self-hate. If it was not smoking, it was cutting. If it was not cutting, it was underage drinking. If it wasn’t drinking, it was the occasional guys. If it wasn’t them, it was drugs. If not drugs, an eating disorder. Anything to not feel what I did and still do.

Recovery takes you back to the things you never dealt with. I don’t recommend an eating disorder to anyone. I wouldn’t wish it upon the meanest person I’ve ever met. Not even to a boy named John who choked me in 2nd grade. I’m sorry for anyone struggling with an ED. And I’m just as sorry for every insecure girl and for all women who have never chosen to love themselves. And I hate to break it to you, but it’s really the majority. And NO that should NOT be normal. I’ll never settle with that.

One day.

I’m on my 8th month (although I suppose the first two would barely be considered recovery). And I still hate this journey. My body is more than restored in fact I feel pretty awful. My mind is running behind it, shouting: Hey, Wait Up!

Below: The Evolution of the Anna body

(I actually hate showing it but from the beginning of this journey- I promised to keep being honest about recovery. Well this is the reality of it. Imagine yourself growing & growing & growing, despite still often eating under my caloric requirement. I want it all to stop and settle down already. It’s been 2 long.)

Don’t mind the paint lol

Month 1

Month 2

Month 3

Month4

Month 6

Month 8