I was looking forward to seeing one of my doctors today. Typically, we discuss how things have been going lately, how medication is affecting me, and where I’m at emotionally. She weighs me when I arrive (blind weigh ins), but we don’t actually talk about how much I weigh. My last two visits, I asked her if I was gaining and if I was gaining more than 5 lbs a month.
Today I was looking forward to seeing her, truthfully- to ask if I’m still gaining. I got weighed, measured, and had my blood pressure taken. She and I sat down to talk. We discussed the past month, meds, and she suggested I join a DBT group (Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a treatment designed specifically for individuals with self-harm behaviors, such as self-cutting, suicide thoughts, urges to suicide, and suicide attempts). I haven’t been attempting suicides, but a certain pattern has re-emerged in my life. It’s led me to make friends with ED. She arranged for a leader of a DBT group to contact me and told me to keep seeing my therapist. She wisely reminded me that everything does come down to thinking and there is no magic “thing” to make everything ED-related simply vanish.
I asked her twice during our talk if I gained weight. Both times she told me she hasn’t looked at her computer. At the end of our visit I stalled for a minute and finally asked- “So, are you going to tell me if I gained?” Her reply: “No. I haven’t looked at my computer. If I tell you you’ve lost, you’ll be happier. If I tell you you’ve gained, it will take you to an even darker place.” I laughed and replied, “I’m glad you’re not dumb.” She could see right through me, and was firm when I pushed.
Although I still wonder where I’m at with my weight, I do admire her reaction. I’m glad that there are people who cannot be manipulated and who are bold enough to say “no.” Just like a child asking their parent for something, a drug addict asking those in denial for money, or an ED person asking questions as I did- somewhere inside, we all want to hear NO. Addictions, Ed’s, etc. lead to manipulation. It happens so fast, but manipulation isn’t the goal. For someone to see right through us, is what we secretly all want. At times, NO is the best thing we can be told. So this is where I’m at with recovery- physically restored, but mentally still learning to readjust. I’m yielding to the transformation of my mind. Bam.