I want to make a list of things that have changed since July 5th, 2015. Today marks exactly 6 months from the day I talked to my doctor and was diagnosed with being underweight, having amenorrhea, vitamin deficiency, and an eating disorder. Most days have been hard, I’m not gonna lie. Quitting drugs, having my heart broken, etc. have not compared to how difficult this journey has been for me. Perhaps, because it’s so constant. Sometimes sharp quick pains hurt less than the constant mild ones. So to remind myself of my accomplishments I shall make this list, for myself first, and for you if you’re just curious 🙂
- I stopped obsessing with food labels. Specifically, obsessing about keeping my diet pretty much sodium-free. (Quit sodium checking about a month ago!)
- At least 1 month out of these 6, I’ve been able to sleep at night without waking up.
- Got my periods back. I worked hard for this, even quit all exercise so my body could get healthier asap.
- Have been having an awesome privilege to talk to other ED warriors, connect, and share my story.
- I can concentrate.
- Eat at least 2 decent size meals a day and munch throughout the day (as opposed to only snacking and never really eating meals).
- Eat the foods I cook.
- Starting to value all my relationships with peeps over a relationship with ED or Ana.
- Eat so many things that before I wouldn’t: bread, mayo, ranch, half&half in my coffee, meat, occasional oatmeal, little slices of pizza, eggs, potatoes, more than half a fruit a day, occasional cookies or baked sweets, cheese, etc.
- Stopped thinking I was doing better in life than another person based on body size.
- Bring lunch to work. And eat it.
- Eat whenever I feel hunger.
- Don’t spit food out, throw it away, or hide any.
- Have been sharing this awful journey with all of you (which totally helps me keep going by the way).
- Have bought pants up to size 6 or 7? I’ve never been larger. Went up 5 sizes! I heard you just go up 2 or 3, but nope, not in my case!
- Stopped wearing ONLY skirts & dresses. Pants are a challenge, but I’m trying to learn to embrace and respect my voluptuous body lol.
- Can pick up children in my arms & babysit joyfully.
- Spend hours with the ones I love and laugh alongside them.
- Have been focusing on college instead of only my body.
- Body check at least 80% less.
- Gave away my scale. Only have blind weigh-ins with my nurse.
- Cry & talk about my thoughts & feelings instead of being unaware of what’s going on in my mind and just taking my frustrations out on my body.
- Take my lunch break at work and don’t try skipping it.
- Sometimes I get bored with food. It’s no longer always on my mind.
- Push myself to eat even when I feel down and want to skip meals.
- Don’t punish myself by overexercising or severely restricting if I feel I’ve ate more than ED says I should.
- Am ready to start socializing again, bit by bit. When I began recovery, I literally only went to work, school, and stayed home. I was too embarrassed for anyone to see me 😦 (Sometimes still am).
- Stopped being anal about keeping everything spotless!!! Keeping things super clean was a way to cling to perfectionism and to simultaneously burn calories.
- Occasionally drink empty calories.
- Don’t freak out and get rigid and snappy when someone is simply trying to get me to try their food 🙂 I was mean.
- Have eaten a meal outside of my home at least 10 times. (Don’t do fast food & eating in restaurants is still a bit much).
- Let go of negative influences in my life.
- See a therapist & am honest in all our talks.
I’m sure there’s more… And when I see these I think- I’ve come THIS far, I can finish it all. Even if I don’t feel I can, I still will.
Since I’m feeling rather large & in charge lol (but really not so funny), I just keep hoping that my body will naturally lose the extra weight after full recovery. I hear from people that it happens, but man I’d like some extra faith in that.
If you’ve recovered from an ED, or know someone who has, have you seen the body stop gaining at a certain point & lose excess weight naturally?
Do you believe in the set-point theory?
Is there hope?