Grrr. Days like today.
The day itself is great, my family’s great, my life is great. It really is. But sometimes I don’t feel very great and today is one of them days. I know I post blogs mostly that are encouraging, inspiring, etc. But right now I want to post a Grrr.
I’m real and as real human beans we have good moments and bad. The defining key is what we do when we experience those moments. I’ve come far in recovery, I’d say I’m pretty much recovered. However, the moment I feel down, Ed waltzes right in, as if he’s an invited guest. Relapse is not my option, I’ve come much too far. I think most people don’t plan to relapse, they just give in once. Then twice. Then trice (if that’s a word). Before they know it, they’ve rolled quite a way back. I “feel” crappy right now, the thought of eating is repulsive. But it’s past lunchtime and the logical part of my mind tells me I should eat.
I was thinking to write about this “thing” for the last couple days, but put it off. The dreadful “thing” is the link between “feeling & eating.” Eating disorders are not as much about food as they are about what is going on inside of a person. Ed becomes a much needed crutch (or so we think), for the painful emotions we would rather not feel. Well once you decide Ed’s gotta go, get ready. Things hurt. The things others wouldn’t get hurt by can easily make you cry. Then you consider taking Ed back, well I do anyway, although I know he’s just a lie.
I watched a commercial the other day for Special K cereal. They say, “Eat special, feel special.” Those words stuck out to me because I was like- What the heck? Even society is in on connecting the two? I understand feeling well when you are healthy as a general thing, but there’s more they say in that. It’s as if eating a certain thing can flood you with happiness, or as if a negative emotion is the consequence of your food.
But what if you just feel lonely, sad, or depressed? What if you have words that you can’t get out, then what do you do? Eat to feel “happier”? Food does not fix our emotions as much as not eating food doesn’t heal the hurt.
And all the while I know that, but I still sometimes find it hard to separate the two. On days like today. So… Grrr!
Sometimes we need to be reminded of what recovery really is and what happens when you take that dive. In the following link, you can read the true definition of recovery, so can I. I probably should, in fact.
To all who struggle with an ED: An open letter about recovery, by Molly. http://www.thisiswhereistand.org/to-all-who-struggle-with-an-eating-disorder-an-open-letter-about-recovery/