Sicker than you.(Trigger warning)

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I couldn’t see that perhaps my neck looked odd.
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I didn’t think my body looked too small yet.
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I thought absolutely no fat was my goal.
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My last birthday- I didn’t enjoy myself, really. I felt fat that day, too big and wondered how to hide that I really don’t want to eat any food.
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When my friends said I was so thin, I thought I looked pretty.
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My deformed looking arm and thin legs made me proud, as I sat next to my YOUNGER sister.

One of the lies I keep bumping into in regards to eating disorders is the lie that you are not sick enough. I’ll be honest, I have a lot of moments when I scroll through Instagram or Google search something and compare myself to someone who was sicker than I. Then I hear this:

  1. You weren’t like THAT. Maybe you didn’t have an eating disorder at all, since you didn’t look THAT way…
  2. Look, that person got to THAT weight, you could do it too!
  3. You were not inpatient multiple times, you’ve got a handle on this.
  4. Maybe you never even had a problem and the people around you are jealous of you, therefore they want to make you fat. (Common one!)
  5. In your pics you don’t look like you weigh 50 or 60 lbs, you still look like you’ve got extra weight on you.

Stupid lies. That’s what they are. It’s been pretty much half a year since I began my recovery journey and I still bump into these thoughts. I know it’s taken years of my own brainwashing to end up being friends with Anorexia, so I’m trying to beat down on myself that I should be over these lies by now. The mess that I’ve let myself get into, now has to come undone. So you know what an eating disorder says. Here’s life if you actually don’t have an eating disorder:

  1. Women who weigh under 100 lbs don’t make you jealous.
  2. Your whole day does not involve thinking about food.
  3. When you look at photos of yourself you remember the joyous memory, not how you felt about yourself or how fluffy you look.
  4. You don’t feel guilt after nearly everything you eat.
  5. You enjoy your body’s feminine features (boobs, bum, etc.)
  6. Can focus on conversations, fun, and relaxation and be in the moment. (Instead of thinking how you can move around to burn calories, how hungry you are, what you can or cannot eat next.)
  7. Have energy to meet life’s demands.
  8. Value relationships over body image.
  9. Eat until you’re satisfied. Multiple times a day.
  10. Are not consumed by fear, anxiety, or feelings of losing control.

To me, life sounds better without ED than with. I’m not willing to let anymore years FLY BY (because they do! You wonder how years even passed by with ED). I hope you can listen to the voice of truth, not the lie. As choose I.

I ain’t lookin’ so sick now.

I can see clearly now.

  • What lies do you hear? Comment below!
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6 thoughts on “Sicker than you.(Trigger warning)

  1. I hear all the lies, and the comparison really does get me. Because I want to prove that I am a better anorexic than those people. It’s sick when you think about it, but it feels so real, the competition to be the best. But recovery is best, your right

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    1. Thank you for sharing ❤ To have written this, you are already acknowledging that this is a lie. It's not a competition to be the best, but a competition to be the worst 😦 Anorexia sucks the life out of you. It is a humbling thing however to make the decision to stop "competing." Wish you all the best. xoxo

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  2. You are amazing and I’m so proud of you. It’s so easy to allow our eating disorders to see for us. Clearly, that’s not the truth. Thank you so much for posting this ❤️

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