ED’s clingy companion: Ms.Anxiety

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Left: 2 mo ago when my brave bro was starting his journey. Right: Today.

Over the years, I wondered how in the world I could lose Ed. I prayed, I cried, I researched. I literally went to the extreme of even fasting (ironic, right?) All in the pursuit of freedom from the tortured way of living with an eating disorder. I couldn’t find the answer, high or low.

God doesn’t work the way we expect. He’s got his ways and sometimes we end up in circumstances we never thought we would. Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I wouldn’t ever do THAT“? Then, one merry day, you find yourself in that particular position? Well, I’m a Christian. I love Jesus. And I take medication for anxiety. Why do I write about this? There’s a lot of stigma around mental illness and even I used to believe wild things about anxiety, depression, or anything else that medicates. I thought prayer, deliverance, confession, or whatever else would take those things away. I ignorantly assumed that perhaps the person was at fault, or a generational curse? But… One day, I understood that just the way our bodies get sick, so can our minds. Is it the perfect will of God? No. Can he heal? Yes. & Now, let me explain how I got here:

I visited my doctor last July to talk about why I was missing my period. I, of course, already knew why, but was in denial about being underweight or having an eating disorder. The doc even asked me about my intake, but I beat around the bush and left her office with instructions to gain weight. I wasn’t willing to gain, in fact I wanted to lose more. That night, I dreamed that I was talking to my doc and telling her about the anxiety/depression I experienced. I woke up that morning being fully aware that I just might have to be one of “those” peeps who needs meds. I was scared and thought that people in my life would look down on me, despite what I felt God was trying to tell me. Either way, I went back to that same doc and told her about my dream. Since that day I’ve been taking medication daily.

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Busting out of your bigger set of clothes DOES get a little scary.

I do not plan on the anxiety being a permanent thing in my life. However I am thankful for doctors, medications, and other God-given things. Was this the WAY I imagined I would get rid of an eating disorder? Never! I didn’t even believe at the time that Christians should be on meds. You can just say my whole perspective has changed. God knew about the anxiety I had, when even I didn’t know that I had it. God’s like – Hey sweetheart, let’s help your anxiety, and watch what happens with that stinky eating disorder.

It’s been 5.5 months now, I’m further in recovery than I could even ask for. I’m gaining my life back, piece by piece. This has been the hardest journey of my life. The lesson here? Don’t expect a certain WAY with God. Instead, trust that He is working for your good. He is fighting for you! Even when you don’t see or feel it, he’s got the greatest way for you.

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And in good humor…
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