The Temptations of Mr.Denial

 

4.5 months into recovery

Why is denial so tempting? Why is it so hard to admit your wrong? Why is it the scariest thing in the world to pull out a skeleton from a closet? Is it really that skeletons are so scary, or could it be that you face the risk of rejection? Might people say that your skeleton is too scary or that you are weird for ever having one? Might they look down on you when you’ve gotten used to them looking up?

Ah, but it’s so freeing- despite how unappealing a skeleton might look. No longer is there something trapped in your closet that doesn’t belong there. No more death between your clothes.

I was scared to admit to anyone that I had an eating disorder for many reasons. One of the biggest was “letting down” the people that were looking up to me (a.k.a- MY FAM, friends, or those I’ve given advice to). Well, it was never my job to “hold them up,” but that’s another story. I was afraid that any input I’ve ever given, advice, or knowledge- would be suddenly discredited. I thought the Watching Folks would say, “Ah! Look! We found her problem! She’s not perfect! How sinful and flawed!” I thought God wouldn’t be seen as much in me anymore. More so, my bros and sisters looked up to me and hung onto my words between my mission trips. I was afraid their faith would be shaken because here I was… Struggling. Embarrassing! I thought.

I judged myself harshly, but then came around. I thought- my God, this aint my job! The weight of responsibility of others is too heavy for me to bear, no wonder it was never my job! I whipped it out this last July and admitted, that I too, am human. I’m sorry I ever let you down, but wait I am not, because it isn’t I that holds you up! I can just be honest about my life and the adventures that it entails. Have a lot of people changed the way they spoke to me after I admitted I had a wrong? Yes. Have a lot of people came at me with PITY? Some. Has my phone rung less since that time? Yes. The Folks that stuck around though, were the faithful ones who were in my life to love me UNCONDITIONALLY and were not looking to just gain something from me. They were not using me. They just loved.

I’ve done it. So can you. If you have any object that don’t belong among clothes, get it out. It feels so much better to have things clean and organized anyway.

With love,

Simply Anna- a girl who’s a human bean.

& now I’ve got energy to fool around.