I thought that in my next post I’d have to apologize to fans and supporters. I thought I’d write: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I relapsed. I’m sorry I gave up… BUT I didn’t & today I’m writing that I WONT give up. Recovery is hard and the only thing that is enough for me to in those moments is talking to someone who has struggled much longer than I have, to remind me that- No, it’s not worth it. (Life with ED isn’t)
Today I noticed my face a wee bit rounder and caught sight of my new love handles (which for some reason I do NOT love, ironic name right?). I noticed that my skirts fit tighter and I have little bulges from the back of my now bigger bra. Gah. The reality of stupid eating disorders. This battle is freakin hard! Harder than drugs, relationships, or trauma. But, I’m winning it because women should not have to have size pave way for their life’s memories. Women shouldn’t have to starve to “keep” their husbands. Nor should they go hungry just to experience illusions of good self-esteem that comes from comparing oneself to the other women around them.
Winning is what this past weekend has been- fine Friday dining with friends, eating what they are- without excuses of “I don’t eat pasta.” Winning is being able to relax on a Sunday, watch Netflix, and be thankful for a country where we can have the luxury of snacking. Guilt shouldn’t take place of thankfulness. Winning is freedom. I am not the competitive type- I hate fighting, but this battle- I’m gonna beat down! So please, dear readers, be gracious as you have been already. Please be kind as you witness me in all my new “glorious” fluff. This isn’t the end of me yet, it’s just the beginning.
Good luck this week and as my sister says, “Keep your chin up!”