4 months ago, I could not hold Aviya for more than 29 seconds before I had to put her down. Today I can carry her for probably a solid hour and even give long piggy back rides. 4 months ago, my size 0/1 pants were starting to sag. Today I’m in size 5. 4 months ago, I had no room in mind for school, relationships, or fun. Four months ago I had to run. And move around. Help others. Clean for others. So much as a facade; not to say I’m not nice, I am. But all for others and none for myself. “Sacrificing” for others was just another mask at times. Today I can sit, I can play, and I can just rest. 4 months ago, I woke up EACH night multiple times, my empty stomach saying- let’s get up! Today I slept through the night. Just as I did yesterday (and even that’s not fully stabilized yet). 4 months ago, I was in denial that I had a problem. Today I broadcast to the world- I no longer have an eating disorder, but boy did I really have a problem.
Yesterday I was driving and a few more things clicked:
1. I was really, really sick. My bony arms I wanted to see bonier. I preferred my body to look like a teenage boy instead of the 23 year old woman I am. I was jealous of anyone thinner and that was just the beginning. I really met ANA earlier this year, unlike any other times. I never want to be friends with anorexia again.
2. I am not fat. I have fat, but I am not fat. I have fingernails, but I’m not a fingernail (thanks Alesya for this wonderful analogy)! AND IT’S OKAY!! Because at least I can have children one day, if a wonderful dude waltzes into my heart, in any case. And by that time, neither Mr. Handsome Pants nor the offspring would be innocent victims of my selfish habits.
3. I am no longer on anxiety medication, and am not turning back to ED behaviors, I feel quite free. And sane. I feel sane.
4. It’s okay to admire the physique some Flawless Folks are blessed with. I have things about me that are quite admirable as well. Like my big,toothy, grin.
I like my grin.
Can you just stop and think today, what do you admire about you?
What can you admire in the masterpiece of the greatest Artist ever?