What I desperately wanted to hear.

Can you see me? Can I be me?
Can you see me? Can I be me?

I wish someone had told me it’s okay. That my weight gain was okay, along with the rate of it. Because at least I was recovering. I was hungry. After two years of endless restrictions I was finally eating. Whatever I wanted, I didn’t deprive myself. I was just so hungry. Last summer, within a month and a half of my stay in America I shot up almost 20 pounds. But I didn’t care, and I didn’t hate myself- until someone said: “Wow, at first you were skinny and now you gained weight so fast!” I was humiliated. I thought something was wrong with me. I felt out of control. Ashamed, I spun back into relapse. Another hungry year went by. I didn’t care to be sick with malaria, at least I didn’t feel hunger then. At times I dreamt of food. I overexercised as soon as I returned to America. I lost my period and still have not had it. Nights I would wake up hungry, that cycle still continues. Although I eat now, I still wake up each night. All because of hunger. And what I longed for more than anything was for someone to say it’s okay. That it’s okay to be hungry. It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to run down the road of messy, ugly, and scary recovery- no matter what it will look like. I wanted to hear that it’s okay and that we’ll always love you. That’s what I wanted to hear. And that’s what I’m getting now. I haven’t heard the comments yet, but if I hear someone comment on my weight gain, this year I will say- Yes. I am gaining weight. I’ve battled an eating disorder for three years. I’ve gone hungry and now I’m eating. Yes you can say whatever you want, but you don’t know where I’ve been and the hunger I felt. The shame that has covered me each day. And as for myself, of all lessons I’ve yet been learning- One of the most important is to accept. Not judge others, but
love and accept them. Not to tell them how to change and that any tiny thing about them is not good enough. I want to be one to say- It’s okay. It’s okay to be you.

I hope my journey can serve as a help to you too dear reader, in any battle you fight. It’s okay, it’s okay to be you.


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