Deny Denial.

Above my mirror- faithfully reminding me that I'm hot in general, despite the freaky numbers on the scale climbing up. Thanks chile pepper!
Above my mirror- faithfully reminding me that I’m hot in general, despite the freaky numbers on the scale climbing up. Thanks chile pepper!

Deny Denial: Step 1

This morning I wanted to make a list of things I’m totally hating about the reality of “recovery.” ( Just a bit now- waking at night to eat, only to hate myself in the morning, because yes the reality is that’s what happens. I bloat, wake up at night in sweat, and most definitely feel “out of control” oh no 😧). This fight is harder than getting rid of drug addiction for me, and I know all the more the victory prize for this is huge.
2 things-
1: shame
2: denial
Ah, good old Shame. You follow us into the darkest parts of our hurting hearts. “But it’s so embarrassing!” “Why can’t I just be normal?” “But then everyone will know how I really feel about myself!” Familiar thoughts right? Especially for my Type A, perfectionist self. It’s embarrassing that I haven’t learned to balance my eating. It’s embarrassing to admit I restricted foods cuz I plainly want to be skinnier. The day I first muttered to my doctor: “I’ve had an eating disorder for 3 yrs, I’ve been full of crap to so many people, I’m so embarrassed,” mascara tears rolling, that was the day my chains were broken. Now I’m in a time of restoration. Recovering still.
“You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” We all know that verse, were very well versed. But do you know the truth about you? Who are you really and what is that sooooo embarrassing struggle of yours? Your acknowledgement is your confession. You’re released and chains are broken the day you deny denial. Why should we cover up our “this stays in the family” type of garbage? Ah, but that’s for another post still.

For now, Step 1: Deny Denial.

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