Arms grasped for control.

Them arms won't be so scrawny anymore.
Them arms won’t be so scrawny anymore.

I’ve been in bondage. Bound by a spirit of religion and bound by guilt, shame, and a really really annoying eating disorder, as most of you know by now. I never thought “control” was a factor to the disorder but oh me gee. In a controlled atmosphere I fought for something to be mine. To excel, to find worth, to be good at something? And I thought I was. When I first got compliments of weight loss I instantly thought- hey, at least I’m good at something! & that’s when it all started to spiral. The religious spirit told me fast more, pray more, read more, cry more, and nothing I did was enough. Read the right translation of the Bible it said, change your music, wear less makeup, wear a head covering it said. Don’t be a stumbling block. Don’t be a slave to God, be a slave to people. Be a slave to pastors it said. Dare not question a thing, dare not stand out it said. Dare not dance when your spirit wants to, dare not, you are under control it said. So many things it said. God does not control us. Nothing about him is controlling. That’s how we see his grace. He gives us choices and freedom. We’re created to be free, to fly. I’m a wild bird and wild birds aren’t meant to be caged, they’re meant to fly. I’m not trapped in a prison of myself anymore, not grappling a disorder, I’m out man. I’m so free. I’m not caged by man, the door has been opened. My spirit is free. I don’t want control anymore, I’m not controlled. I don’t want control in any aspect, not even control of the bod. It’s all yours Jesus. I’m yours.

Instead these arms will love.
Instead these arms will love.

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